Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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