I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
