I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
