I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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