omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
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his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
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While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize