you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
