guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
