maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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