Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
