life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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