You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
