This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
