dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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