Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
