Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
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