Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
