oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
