Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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