he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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