my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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