People in love make me want to vomit
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
