omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
