I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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