Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
