i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
