There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
