Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
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