Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize
