She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
