Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
