I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I think pants incapable of making pants work
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Randomize
