So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
