She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
