I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
