FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
