FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
