Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
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