Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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