Porn is love you can see.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
