I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
