So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
