I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
