It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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