My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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