New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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