so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
