This dress was meant to end up on your floor
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
