I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
its liver damage thursday
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
