Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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