If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
