i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Randomize
