mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
