Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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