How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
