CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
