I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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