I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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