So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
